March 12, 2012
Ciao! Ciao bella! Welcome to my beautiful country! Yes, you will love it here— you, on your study abroad with your charming Ugg boots and your little fleece jacket and your confusion over local customs and your little muffin top fat over too-tight jeans! Ha ha! So charming, my little American dumpling! You will be needing some Local Man to help you with the buying of the food and the finding of the Bancomat, yes? You will be needing some Local Man to bring you up onto the Vespa and zip you around the city, pointing out the buildings of importance, making love to you in the little apartment with the roommate from Korea, so disapproving, yes? Ha ha! Bella, so beautiful! So innocent! I will show you my beautiful city, yes, and I will be making the love to you all night. And I will be putting the small package into your luggage for you to take through the Customs at the airport, yes — don’t ask what is inside, my perfect dumpling Americana! Don’t say a word! Just call my brother when you arrive back home, give the package to him, no problem! And if the TSA pulls you into the little room and asks to search your anus, just smile, bella! And plead the fifth. 

Ciao! Ciao bella! Welcome to my beautiful country! Yes, you will love it here— you, on your study abroad with your charming Ugg boots and your little fleece jacket and your confusion over local customs and your little muffin top fat over too-tight jeans! Ha ha! So charming, my little American dumpling! You will be needing some Local Man to help you with the buying of the food and the finding of the Bancomat, yes? You will be needing some Local Man to bring you up onto the Vespa and zip you around the city, pointing out the buildings of importance, making love to you in the little apartment with the roommate from Korea, so disapproving, yes? Ha ha! Bella, so beautiful! So innocent! I will show you my beautiful city, yes, and I will be making the love to you all night. And I will be putting the small package into your luggage for you to take through the Customs at the airport, yes — don’t ask what is inside, my perfect dumpling Americana! Don’t say a word! Just call my brother when you arrive back home, give the package to him, no problem! And if the TSA pulls you into the little room and asks to search your anus, just smile, bella! And plead the fifth. 

8:57am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10pxHt4QlJ
(Notes: 5)
  
March 3, 2012
It’s spreading…

It’s spreading…

4:45pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10pxHPiICq
(Notes: 4)
  
April 17, 2011
Adorably obese hoarder of chairs, rubber ducks, old newspapers, taco bell receipts, stuffed dogs, stuffed rabbits, stuffed bears, mismatched socks, empty yogurt containers, weird sweaters, pictures of babies, commemorative plates, postcards, place mats, cans of food, plates of food, bags of food, menus for food, plastic bags, cardboard boxes, comic books, romance books, books of any kind, porcelain doll heads, broken instruments, rusty nails, busted television sets and used napkins seeks someone who will submit my name to that A&E show and then stick around afterwards, even when they find the body of my last girlfriend underneath that pile of old tires in the living room. At least, I think that’s where I left her.

Adorably obese hoarder of chairs, rubber ducks, old newspapers, taco bell receipts, stuffed dogs, stuffed rabbits, stuffed bears, mismatched socks, empty yogurt containers, weird sweaters, pictures of babies, commemorative plates, postcards, place mats, cans of food, plates of food, bags of food, menus for food, plastic bags, cardboard boxes, comic books, romance books, books of any kind, porcelain doll heads, broken instruments, rusty nails, busted television sets and used napkins seeks someone who will submit my name to that A&E show and then stick around afterwards, even when they find the body of my last girlfriend underneath that pile of old tires in the living room. At least, I think that’s where I left her.

12:51pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px4Ngura
(Notes: 1)
  
April 4, 2011
Ginger divorcee out to find companionship, intellectual stimulation, someone to cling to with my fingernails like a supermodel dropped off at a Chinese buffet. I sleep 23 hours a day and would like to spend that 24th hour getting to know YOU. Please be: kindhearted, honest, made entirely of felt, open-minded. No inflatable dolls.

Ginger divorcee out to find companionship, intellectual stimulation, someone to cling to with my fingernails like a supermodel dropped off at a Chinese buffet. I sleep 23 hours a day and would like to spend that 24th hour getting to know YOU. Please be: kindhearted, honest, made entirely of felt, open-minded. No inflatable dolls.

6:29pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px43EnEt
(Notes: 5)
  
March 24, 2011
It’s interesting how women complain about wanting a nice, traditional guy, when every broad I know is running around with some floppy-haired lunatic with a tendency to dance in public and cry during movies. The last woman I dated dragged me to a pottery-painting studio. You know what’s great about painting your own coffee mug? Literally nothing. I believe in three things: rib eye, banjo music and a house full of furniture that’s made from tree branches. If you think you can handle that, let me know.

It’s interesting how women complain about wanting a nice, traditional guy, when every broad I know is running around with some floppy-haired lunatic with a tendency to dance in public and cry during movies. The last woman I dated dragged me to a pottery-painting studio. You know what’s great about painting your own coffee mug? Literally nothing. I believe in three things: rib eye, banjo music and a house full of furniture that’s made from tree branches. If you think you can handle that, let me know.

12:46pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px3oKfFL
(Notes: 5)
  
March 24, 2011
Hey!!! I’m looking for a chick that’s stoked on life and ironic cartoon t-shirts. We can get together on weekends when my dodge-ball league is playing and talk about how great Cobra Starship is. Come meet me for a bubble tea! I’ll be the guy in neon vintage track shorts that are so high-cut they kinda show my sack. Also: taco trucks!!!

Hey!!! I’m looking for a chick that’s stoked on life and ironic cartoon t-shirts. We can get together on weekends when my dodge-ball league is playing and talk about how great Cobra Starship is. Come meet me for a bubble tea! I’ll be the guy in neon vintage track shorts that are so high-cut they kinda show my sack. Also: taco trucks!!!

12:36pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px3oK3Cs
(Notes: 3)
  
March 2, 2011
Does the sight of UGG boots make you want to puke blood? Do you prefer drinking out of Mason jars to real stemware? Did your Liberal Arts degree guarantee you nothing but a sublet in a scary part of Bushwick and a chip on your shoulder? Naval-gazing Brooklynite seeks equally androgynous-looking young person for drinking cheap beer in parks, trips to Trader Joes. I hate literally everything except Belle & Sebastian. You should have very few ideas, a stupid haircut and be down for doing a bump in the bathroom of any bar we go to. Bring your own drugs, though—I never buy.

Does the sight of UGG boots make you want to puke blood? Do you prefer drinking out of Mason jars to real stemware? Did your Liberal Arts degree guarantee you nothing but a sublet in a scary part of Bushwick and a chip on your shoulder? Naval-gazing Brooklynite seeks equally androgynous-looking young person for drinking cheap beer in parks, trips to Trader Joes. I hate literally everything except Belle & Sebastian. You should have very few ideas, a stupid haircut and be down for doing a bump in the bathroom of any bar we go to. Bring your own drugs, though—I never buy.

3:21pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px3MtbHX
(Notes: 8)
  
March 1, 2011
Have you seen that YouTube video? So have I. I’ve seen all of them, so please don’t waste my time. The dog riding a grizzly bear? I blogged about that shit last month. That man falling up the escalator? Bitch please, I’ve been laughing about that since ‘09. I’m not looking for love; I have ChatRoulette. All I need is someone to come over once a week and remind me to take a bath or clean the Wheat Thin residue off my snarling, anonymous mouth. Think you’re up to it?

Have you seen that YouTube video? So have I. I’ve seen all of them, so please don’t waste my time. The dog riding a grizzly bear? I blogged about that shit last month. That man falling up the escalator? Bitch please, I’ve been laughing about that since ‘09. I’m not looking for love; I have ChatRoulette. All I need is someone to come over once a week and remind me to take a bath or clean the Wheat Thin residue off my snarling, anonymous mouth. Think you’re up to it?

10:40am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px3LaFHm
(Notes: 11)
  
February 27, 2011
Sure, your husband leaves you for a 22 year old Bikram yoga instructor named “Blakeley” and people assume you’re going to take it badly. Like having thirty years of marriage, three kids and two taupe-colored Audis ripped from your hands all because of some slut with thighs like Seabiscuit might make you “upset.” Like giving someone the best goddamn years of your life, your sweat, your tears, countless late nights spent overlooking a bald spot shaped like Fiji and a case of raging erectile dysfunction might be enough to make you “crazy.” But who’s upset? Who’s standing in the driveway with an empty gas can, laughing all the way to the alimony bank while the porche burns? Not me, that’s for fucking sure. Single white female seeks man to castrate. No cops.

Sure, your husband leaves you for a 22 year old Bikram yoga instructor named “Blakeley” and people assume you’re going to take it badly. Like having thirty years of marriage, three kids and two taupe-colored Audis ripped from your hands all because of some slut with thighs like Seabiscuit might make you “upset.” Like giving someone the best goddamn years of your life, your sweat, your tears, countless late nights spent overlooking a bald spot shaped like Fiji and a case of raging erectile dysfunction might be enough to make you “crazy.” But who’s upset? Who’s standing in the driveway with an empty gas can, laughing all the way to the alimony bank while the porche burns? Not me, that’s for fucking sure.

Single white female seeks man to castrate. No cops.

10:11pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px3K14EI
(Notes: 4)
  
February 24, 2011
Hi there. I’m a black-hearted lord of darkness looking for a lady-friend to attend local church burnings with. Delicate hands for corpse-painting considered a definite pro. I enjoy inverted pentagrams, the sound of babies crying, goat heads and a nice charcuterie plate from time to time (who doesn’t!) Hail Satan.

Hi there. I’m a black-hearted lord of darkness looking for a lady-friend to attend local church burnings with. Delicate hands for corpse-painting considered a definite pro. I enjoy inverted pentagrams, the sound of babies crying, goat heads and a nice charcuterie plate from time to time (who doesn’t!) Hail Satan.

11:57am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zi10px3Fk6q_
(Notes: 2)